Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Blogging for the sake of blogging

Totally random things that I'm going to post but I feel as though I should get into the habit of blogging.  So...I'm just blogging to blog hoping that it will instill in me the desire to do more.  However, I'm quite confident it will chase away any rare individual who accidentally comes across my blog.  I pity you.

I'm running bath water in an attempt to relax.  Or, as my husband would say, I'm getting ready to soak in my own filth.  I plan on taking a book and reading for pleasure for a change.  I enjoy reading except when they ask me to read for a class, then it becomes a chore.  Speaking of which, I got my grades back today for the last session.  I was .34 and 1.03 away from getting an A in both classes.  I will repeatedly bang my head into the desk over this later.  But for now, my head hurts enough that I don't really need to. 

I just boiled my tea over.  Again.  I make tea for the next day every single night.  Do I ever remember that it's on the stove?  No.  I've literally boiled it dry and set off the fire alarm before.  At what point do you wake up and realize you're completely thoughtless and lack the ability to recall even the most recent of events?  I blame it on the menopause.  Chris blames it on stress.  Mom blames it on having so much on my mind all the time.  Regardless, it happens and it's really annoying.  If I break one more egg, dump the egg into the trash and put the shell in the bowl again....I might just scream.  That's it.  I probably have Alzheimer's. 

Speaking of Alzheimer's....I finished the hospice training months ago.  Have I been contacted for volunteer opportunities?  Only once.  This is ridiculous!!!  Free help!  All I want is more experience and the chance to sit with hospice patients.  That's not difficult or too much to ask.  I want this and I really need to have it for grad school....which is approaching faster and faster all the time and I'm starting to panic over.  What if they don't pick me?  Then what?  Aaaah!

Know what just dawned on me?  I turned on the hot water, plugged the tub, then walked away.  Crispy skin, here I come!!!! 

Maybe next time I'll write with a clear purpose...but since no one but Liz reads this, anyway, I imagine it doesn't matter.  She already knows I'm nuts.  Love ya', Lizzard!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Cow That Killed Christmas

My husband and I have a very unflattering way of referring to his ex.  Instead of calling her by her name, we simply refer to her as "cow."  This is for multiple reasons that I won't get into.  Back on July 30, the children moved in with us.  Their mother wasn't moving for a couple more days, but apparently she just couldn't wait to have them move.  She was turning all custody over to us and moving half a continent away to be with the mother that abandoned her as a child.  She has spoken on the phone with her children less than 10 times from July 30 until today.  The arrangement is that she is with the children every other Christmas, starting this year, and every summer.  Having just moved to her new location and starting a job at a large retail store that is known for being completely inflexible with their employees, we had a feeling today would come and tried to warn the children that things may not work out and she may not be able to come back.  This warning did nothing to soften the blow of reality.

Today my step children were informed by their mother that she would not be seeing them over Christmas.  She hopes maybe a month or so later, but not for Christmas.  To a child, that is not only the loss of the best holiday in the world with their parent, but another month is a lifetime to wait. 

I will be the first to admit that I have some things to work through when it comes to step-parenting and I have improvements to be made...but I love these kids.  They irritate the crap out of, just like my own kids.  They make me laugh, just like my own kids.  I can't say I love them as much as I love my own children, but I do love them.  Tonight, seeing my second set of kids have the rug swept out from under them yet again by their mother, I sat in complete heartbreak and loss with them.  I looked at their little faces as the tears rolled down, watched their shoulders lurch, and their voices raise as they sobbed.  My step-son who is so stoic had to work to fight back tears and came right to me for a hug.  As their dad and I held them and watched them suffer, it felt like a little piece of me was tearing, too.  It gets harder and harder to imagine a mother being able to do this and still claim she loves her children.  To cry on the phone and say, "I know I did this but...." and then justify her actions and be so thoughtless as to the affect this has on her innocent children.  She is damaging them, but at least she's off kissing butt to the person who dropped her on her head as a child and took off.  Sometimes I wish she'd just fall off a cliff, at least then the kids wouldn't continue being hurt over and over.  I know that's wrong, I just hate the position they're in. 

I hate her for what she's doing to them.  I hate that she is repeating the cycle of her mother and I hope to God these kids grow up to be better than her and their grandmother.  These kids have so much potential.  They have such bright futures.  They're good kids, they really are.  They may hate vegetables, we may have issues with schoolwork and character flaws....but who doesn't?  They're kids.  They're innocent, they're fun, they're intelligent, they're witty, they're interesting, they're gifts.  I look at them and wonder how anyone could want to hurt them and, despite the adjustment and despite the fact that they aren't biologically mine, my heart breaks and I cry with them. 

I don't know where this leaves us.  We will have a great Christmas.  They have other family members they'll get to see and Christmases to attend.  We'll bake cookies and make Christmas cards and have a good time....but their mother won't be anywhere near to enjoy them.  I will never be mom.  Ever.  I just hope I can be enough for them.  I just hope that they're able to sort through the mess and come away with the good instead of the bad, a skill their mother never acquired. 

There's so many raw emotions tonight.  I know I've sucked at blogging, I just had to get this out.  As always, I hope to be better in the future.  However, the track record isn't encouraging.  So ends blog #2.  Hopefully blog #3 is much more fun.

Monday, October 25, 2010

No time like the present

I created this blog probably close to a month ago now, give or take a few weeks.  Have I written in it yet?  No.  Technically now I have, but prior to this moment, I have not.  I've thought about it at very convenient times....like when I'm laying in bed at night, trying to do homework (like I'm avoiding now), taking the dog out to potty, awesome times like these.  I struggle with what some call "procrastination" or perhaps even "braindead."  But here I am, at the urging of my lovely lady Liz, writing a pointless entry into this blog that no one else will probably read, but that will hopefully be the self-therapy that I need to make it through another day with hair intact.  Now if only I could figure out how to do this on my phone....it'd be all good.

My idea with this blog was to have an outlet for the insanity in my mind.  I work full time, go to school full time, am a wife, a mother of 3, and a step mother of 4 (3 of whom we have custody of).  To say I feel like pulling my hair out most of the time is a serious understatement.  For years I bought books (I won't lie, most of them didn't get read) and read articles (those I *did* read, they were short!) on how to manage your time, your finances, your family, raise your children, be a good wife, blah blah blah.  Now I realize, unless you find someone in your exact circumstance with the same type of brain you have....nothing they say works.  To believe that you can read a book and this author's old but revised revelation of how to magically make kids behave or have the house magically clean itself without doing any housework (yep, bought that book, too) will actually work for you is misguided.  Nice attempt, but futile.

So I have no ideas.  I'm in the middle of chaos.  My children are adjusting to his children being around all the time; his children are adjusting to their mom being gone and living with us; they're all continuing to deal with me having very little time with them; and the dog won't stop licking her butt.  Do you remember the remake of Cheaper By the Dozen that came out a few years ago and the utter insanity of that house with people running all over, animals going everywhere, laundry piled high, dishes needing to be done, massive amounts of food to feed growing children, yet 2 people in the middle who deeply love each other but get lost in the madness?  That's us.  I'm losing my family, I'm losing my mind.  (Now if only I could lose this gut....)

The good news is: my husband and I will be okay, we'll figure it out, and with any luck our children will come away from this experience as stronger people.  There are no book, no articles, there's nothing available to us to show us how to work it all out, but we'll get it eventually.  Probably when the last kid finally gets the heck outta dodge, but we'll get it.  In the meantime, we'll hope and pray that love, time, and lotsa tickling and hugs will help fill the gaps that the craziness creates.  One day we'll look back at this and wish we had it back.  Of course, by then our kids will be having kids and we'll beg them to quit asking us to babysit, but still....we'll miss our millions of kids running around fighting over tv shows or video games and squabbling about whether or not someone sneezed on them purposefully or accidentally.

Speaking of craziness...the wind has been insane all day, we're in a tornado watch, and it suddenly got very still outside.  Perhaps it's time to start activating the butterflies in the stomach.

Until the next time Liz bugs me to update this....farewell.