Thursday, May 5, 2011

I love Cadbury Cream Eggs

That has absolutely nothing to do with this post other than I really enjoy their excessively sugary goodness.

It's been a while since I last wrote to my fan base of one but I figured it was time to update.  Since my last whine session and pity party I have went to the doctor and was put on Celexa, an antidepressant that works wonders.  I love this chemical altering drug.  I no longer feel like ripping off the heads of every child that looks at me crossly (and in this house, there are plenty!).  I'm coping with the challenges better and it's creating a more peaceful home life and that is exactly what I need and what the kids desperately needed.  When momma's a witch, the whole family is messed up.

There are still definitely issues to be resolved that I have no idea how to take care of.  To top off the family drama, we found out that the absolutely necessary repairs that need to be done on our van are way more expensive than the vehicle itself is worth.  Of course, this comes within a week of them beginning layoffs at work.  At this point, we're just hoping to be able to get away alone this summer still!  The wonderful thing about antidepressants is that this would have sent me into a spiraling doom and gloom mindset where all I do is worry and fret and freak out. Not that I'm not worried.  I'm facing layoffs while potentially taking on another car payment we already can't afford.  But least it's not affecting me to the point that I'm losing my cool with the husband and kids due to my own stress level.  Did I mention I love this drug?

School ends for the summer next week.  I am ready for a break.  I am ready for no more late night homework and cramming study sessions.  It will be nice to come home and just be home.  To have weekends that aren't filled with papers and tests.  Graduation is in December and it can't come soon enough.  There will be an 8 month break.  I don't even know what that feels like anymore!!!!  Just having Christmas break is weird, let alone several months! 

We will be kid free next weekend.  I am going to take my husband out on a date and woo him.  We haven't went out for a couple months.  I realize some couples don't go out at all.  Some couples don't have the stress that our home has so it's okay.  I'm not trying to compete with other couples anyway.  I want time with my husband and I'm happy and thankful we're able to do it every once in a while!

Well, there's my life in a snapshot.  Now....where are those cream eggs.....

Monday, April 18, 2011 bed.

Well, unfortunately, I don't have a fortune cookie to go with that. It's just fun saying it.
As always, I suck at writing. This is meant to be my therapy and yet I'm not good at attending. Certainly hope I can improve this aspect of myself....among others.
Since it's been quite some time since I've written stuff that no one else reads, I'll recap: nothing's changes. Darling step daughter is actually heading in the wrong direction entirely. I know the stress is affecting everyone. I know I'm not dealing well which is further adding to the tension in the home. So to help me cope so I can help the kids cope....I have an appointment with a Dr to be evaluated and hopefully put on an antidepressant. I know it's no miracle cure, there is no fix...but waking up defeated, depressed, fighting tears, and hopeless every day is doing little to encourage and foster an atmosphere of love or allowing me to think clearly about how to handle the issues we face. Admitting you have a problem is the first step....and I definitely do have a problem.
I've realized just how negative I've been lately and will play Pollyanna's Glad Game to change the monotony and turn the focus from the bad stuff to the blessings in life. I am glad that:
* Spring is here. Winter is so depressing. Spring is rejuvenating and happy and I love it!!!
* My children truly are the best things that ever happened to me. I love them more than words could ever express and I'm so proud of them for being such crazy and wonderful individuals! I hope to again be the mother they once knew me to be and can show less frustration and more lightheartedness and fun like they deserve and desperately need.i
* I have a wonderful family and in-laws and feel very blessed to have them in my life.
* Even though I complain about my job and even though I do honestly, strongly dislike it...there are millions who would give their left nut (or ovary?) for a job. I'm thankful I'm not one of them.
* My husband, despite our differences and the stress we're under, is a great person and a genuinely nice guy. Our marriage has been battered, but I do love him very much.
* I am truly blessed to have amazing friends who I can always count on no matter what.
* We're alive, healthy, and going strong. There are many mothers with empty arms and parents crying at the side of their child's hospital bed. We are not those parents. How we are this blessed, I'll never know but will never stop being thankful.
I don't know how to fix my family, I just hope that I can get regulated, start thinking more clearly, and that with time everyone will forgive me for being such a raging b****.
Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Forgot my password

Lame.  Yet oh so true. 

Honestly...this is why I haven't written.  Now that I remember to write, I fail to do what it takes to get the password so I can log in and do so.  But I 'membered!  It's all good now.  Guess it's time for me to start forgetting to write again, now that I have the password. 

I know I sound like a broken record, but this is my own form of therapy so there.  And it's my blog, so I can say what I want.  (As a side note, I'm watching the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump.  This may seriously altar the depressed nature of this blog.  Awesome!)

Our family has started attending therapy.  I wrestle with my own lack of maternal love for the children of my husband.  As a mother, I can't imagine (how does Snoop actually talk like that all the time? doesn't that get old?!) what it would be like for my husband to dislike my kids.  Maybe he does he just hides it better.  The chasm between myself and his youngest two seems to grow.  I've begun recoiling just at the sound of their voices and their presence in the room...what a horrible reaction to have towards a child!!!  It's unforgivable.  I don't need anyone else to beat me up about how I feel about things....between myself and another, I've heard and felt it all.  All kids need love.  All kids need parents who pour themselves into them and raise them to be responsible, hard working, dependable, emotionally secure individuals capable of feeling and expressing affection and love.  I just wonder if I can.  I hear of people who adopt, foster, take others into their homes and feel the connection that I only wish I had.  Which causes more distress, self-hatred, confusion, anger than previously experienced. 

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to build love for them.  I hate the distance it puts between my husband and I.  We are blessed that we don't really have issues otherwise.  We don't fight about money.  We don't fight about what one of us wants to do but the other doesn't.  ("The Situation" is totally bombing, he's not funny.  At all.  Surprise surprise.  I think I've lost brain cells!  I'm enjoying people's reactions to his stupidity.)  Things are different.  The stress is taking its toll.  I can't keep doing this.  I hope the counselor is able to help answer these questions or else I'll lose my kids.  It's already starting.  The rift in our home is widening.  My heart is breaking.  My kids' hearts are breaking...which is so much worse.  I'm sure he and his kids are feeling the strain as well.  How could they not?! 

I hate that I'm not the fun mom I used to be.  The spontaneous, witty, and energetic wife I used to be.  I feel like a part of my soul has been taken away and I don't know how to get it back. I want to.  I want my kids and his kids to have happy childhoods and a good relationship with my husband and I.  I want us to be one cohesive unit, to be a family that laughs and plays together, where I can trust all the kids equally.  I want my husband and I to be on the same page, but I don't think we are.  I don't want to lose my kids to the chaos, but it feels like I am.  I miss my kids.  They may live here, but I miss them.  I don't really have them it feels like.  I'm so busy between working 40 hours, going to school full time, raising 6 kids, dealing with the issues and drama my step-children have brought to our home....I don't have the time, the energy, or the mental abilities to deal with it all.  I hate that. 

I just don't even know where to go from here.  I hate that I feel the way I do.  I want it to be better.  I want my family to be whole and happy.  It just feels so hopeless. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Oh my gosh!  Life has never been more chaotic and "interesting" than it has been over the last few weeks.  Christmas has come and gone since my last post and with it, a myriad of emotions and experiences...mostly negative.  I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer with every post, but this is my therapy and you have been warned.

On a side note, I have spread before me an assortment of crackers and dips.  Why?  Because the diet starts tomorrow.  I will be joining a Biggest Loser competition at work so my crackers will be gone.  You have no idea how deeply that upsets me.  I love my carbs.  So I am enjoying every single, delectable bite!  Yum! 

I need chocolate.

On a positive note, we have a new heater.  Of course, that means that the old one crashed.  That sucks.  Dude.  We also have a new(ish) compressor on the van.  Naturally, that means the old one died, too.  That was really fun trying to make it back to work with smoke billowing out around the passenger side front tire and high pitched squeals that quite possibly broke glass.  These events have made me realize one very important truth: I really suck.  I think we live rather frugally, it's just expensive raising 500 (give or take) children.  We weren't able to get the funding for the heater so we had to borrow from my mom, who had to borrow the money because she doesn't really have it, either, and we'll just make the payments.  This makes me feel so stupid and small and full of regret and has totally made me rethink everything.  I hate that we had to run to mommy for help, but in exchange for providing for so many kids, some things had to give and one was payments towards debts.  This is a humiliating thing to admit, but it's true.  We're going to have to find a way to squeeze blood from this turnip so that we are never in a position to have to ask for help again.  That....and so we can actually make it to Italy some time. 

Okay, so with my current mental and emotional state in mind as well as recent events, here are my resolutions in no particular order:

1) Stop being a douchetard with money.  I'm going to hand everything over to my husband because he's not the impulsive type like I am.  I hope this can help turn things around!

2) Stop being a larda$$.  We're going to join the gym, I'm going to stop eating crackers (3 of these Breton crackers are 70 calories! Holy crap!!) and spinach artichoke dip and instead snack on fruits and vegetables.  I'm not giving up beef jerky.  Suck on it, Jillian Michaels.

3) Spend more time on those who are my true friends and less on those who are fair weather friends.  The experience of having a family this large has helped weed out who are there no matter what and who aren't.  It has been an isolating, lonely, and sad experience, but it's a necessary one and I will use the knowledge I'm gaining to learn how to focus my energy better and how to let go of those that don't hold on to me in the same way.

4) I'm going to be a better mom.  I suck as a mom and especially as a step-mom sometimes and that's going to have to end.  There are things I have to learn to put on my big girl panties about and deal with it instead of letting it affect my attitude.  This is hard for me.  I'm sort of at a vendetta stage with some things and that's wrong. 

5) Start getting my present situation aligned with my future goals.  This is tricky because I'm pretty clueless about how to pull that one off, I have very little spare time.  I'm just hoping and praying to get enough experience and volunteer work in that people will be impressed with my application into grad school.  Keep your fingers crossed and your prayers rising because this could be the tough one.  I'm really nervous that I won't be able to get in.  I'm really nervous I won't get into the doctoral program I want...because it's a long way away and I won't uproot the kids.  This is a very hard thing for me to swallow right now so I need wisdom on what to do in the future.

Well, know what?  It's late.  I wanted to be in bed over an hour ago.  Of course.  That's how I roll.  Once again I've rattled off nonsense and gotten nowhere and probably bored any random reader to tears.  Let me end on a positive note:

I am so thankful for my husband.  Every day I fall deeper and deeper in love with him and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him.  It's been rough lately but he's always awesome! I love my babies!  Despite the stupid fights and tattle taling, I am head over heels in love with my kids and am so unworthy of being their mom but so happy that I am!  My dog is awesome and the cats are pretty cool, too...when Angus isn't attacking everyone.  My job appears more stable, even though it's not my favorite job by any means, it's income and that's what's important.  I do have the best mom, siblings, family, and close friends a person could ever ask for.  I got to watch Bette Midler's The Showgirls Must Go On show tonight.  I love her.

Have a good night all.  Much love and good things for 2011!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Blogging for the sake of blogging

Totally random things that I'm going to post but I feel as though I should get into the habit of blogging.  So...I'm just blogging to blog hoping that it will instill in me the desire to do more.  However, I'm quite confident it will chase away any rare individual who accidentally comes across my blog.  I pity you.

I'm running bath water in an attempt to relax.  Or, as my husband would say, I'm getting ready to soak in my own filth.  I plan on taking a book and reading for pleasure for a change.  I enjoy reading except when they ask me to read for a class, then it becomes a chore.  Speaking of which, I got my grades back today for the last session.  I was .34 and 1.03 away from getting an A in both classes.  I will repeatedly bang my head into the desk over this later.  But for now, my head hurts enough that I don't really need to. 

I just boiled my tea over.  Again.  I make tea for the next day every single night.  Do I ever remember that it's on the stove?  No.  I've literally boiled it dry and set off the fire alarm before.  At what point do you wake up and realize you're completely thoughtless and lack the ability to recall even the most recent of events?  I blame it on the menopause.  Chris blames it on stress.  Mom blames it on having so much on my mind all the time.  Regardless, it happens and it's really annoying.  If I break one more egg, dump the egg into the trash and put the shell in the bowl again....I might just scream.  That's it.  I probably have Alzheimer's. 

Speaking of Alzheimer's....I finished the hospice training months ago.  Have I been contacted for volunteer opportunities?  Only once.  This is ridiculous!!!  Free help!  All I want is more experience and the chance to sit with hospice patients.  That's not difficult or too much to ask.  I want this and I really need to have it for grad school....which is approaching faster and faster all the time and I'm starting to panic over.  What if they don't pick me?  Then what?  Aaaah!

Know what just dawned on me?  I turned on the hot water, plugged the tub, then walked away.  Crispy skin, here I come!!!! 

Maybe next time I'll write with a clear purpose...but since no one but Liz reads this, anyway, I imagine it doesn't matter.  She already knows I'm nuts.  Love ya', Lizzard!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Cow That Killed Christmas

My husband and I have a very unflattering way of referring to his ex.  Instead of calling her by her name, we simply refer to her as "cow."  This is for multiple reasons that I won't get into.  Back on July 30, the children moved in with us.  Their mother wasn't moving for a couple more days, but apparently she just couldn't wait to have them move.  She was turning all custody over to us and moving half a continent away to be with the mother that abandoned her as a child.  She has spoken on the phone with her children less than 10 times from July 30 until today.  The arrangement is that she is with the children every other Christmas, starting this year, and every summer.  Having just moved to her new location and starting a job at a large retail store that is known for being completely inflexible with their employees, we had a feeling today would come and tried to warn the children that things may not work out and she may not be able to come back.  This warning did nothing to soften the blow of reality.

Today my step children were informed by their mother that she would not be seeing them over Christmas.  She hopes maybe a month or so later, but not for Christmas.  To a child, that is not only the loss of the best holiday in the world with their parent, but another month is a lifetime to wait. 

I will be the first to admit that I have some things to work through when it comes to step-parenting and I have improvements to be made...but I love these kids.  They irritate the crap out of, just like my own kids.  They make me laugh, just like my own kids.  I can't say I love them as much as I love my own children, but I do love them.  Tonight, seeing my second set of kids have the rug swept out from under them yet again by their mother, I sat in complete heartbreak and loss with them.  I looked at their little faces as the tears rolled down, watched their shoulders lurch, and their voices raise as they sobbed.  My step-son who is so stoic had to work to fight back tears and came right to me for a hug.  As their dad and I held them and watched them suffer, it felt like a little piece of me was tearing, too.  It gets harder and harder to imagine a mother being able to do this and still claim she loves her children.  To cry on the phone and say, "I know I did this but...." and then justify her actions and be so thoughtless as to the affect this has on her innocent children.  She is damaging them, but at least she's off kissing butt to the person who dropped her on her head as a child and took off.  Sometimes I wish she'd just fall off a cliff, at least then the kids wouldn't continue being hurt over and over.  I know that's wrong, I just hate the position they're in. 

I hate her for what she's doing to them.  I hate that she is repeating the cycle of her mother and I hope to God these kids grow up to be better than her and their grandmother.  These kids have so much potential.  They have such bright futures.  They're good kids, they really are.  They may hate vegetables, we may have issues with schoolwork and character flaws....but who doesn't?  They're kids.  They're innocent, they're fun, they're intelligent, they're witty, they're interesting, they're gifts.  I look at them and wonder how anyone could want to hurt them and, despite the adjustment and despite the fact that they aren't biologically mine, my heart breaks and I cry with them. 

I don't know where this leaves us.  We will have a great Christmas.  They have other family members they'll get to see and Christmases to attend.  We'll bake cookies and make Christmas cards and have a good time....but their mother won't be anywhere near to enjoy them.  I will never be mom.  Ever.  I just hope I can be enough for them.  I just hope that they're able to sort through the mess and come away with the good instead of the bad, a skill their mother never acquired. 

There's so many raw emotions tonight.  I know I've sucked at blogging, I just had to get this out.  As always, I hope to be better in the future.  However, the track record isn't encouraging.  So ends blog #2.  Hopefully blog #3 is much more fun.

Monday, October 25, 2010

No time like the present

I created this blog probably close to a month ago now, give or take a few weeks.  Have I written in it yet?  No.  Technically now I have, but prior to this moment, I have not.  I've thought about it at very convenient when I'm laying in bed at night, trying to do homework (like I'm avoiding now), taking the dog out to potty, awesome times like these.  I struggle with what some call "procrastination" or perhaps even "braindead."  But here I am, at the urging of my lovely lady Liz, writing a pointless entry into this blog that no one else will probably read, but that will hopefully be the self-therapy that I need to make it through another day with hair intact.  Now if only I could figure out how to do this on my'd be all good.

My idea with this blog was to have an outlet for the insanity in my mind.  I work full time, go to school full time, am a wife, a mother of 3, and a step mother of 4 (3 of whom we have custody of).  To say I feel like pulling my hair out most of the time is a serious understatement.  For years I bought books (I won't lie, most of them didn't get read) and read articles (those I *did* read, they were short!) on how to manage your time, your finances, your family, raise your children, be a good wife, blah blah blah.  Now I realize, unless you find someone in your exact circumstance with the same type of brain you have....nothing they say works.  To believe that you can read a book and this author's old but revised revelation of how to magically make kids behave or have the house magically clean itself without doing any housework (yep, bought that book, too) will actually work for you is misguided.  Nice attempt, but futile.

So I have no ideas.  I'm in the middle of chaos.  My children are adjusting to his children being around all the time; his children are adjusting to their mom being gone and living with us; they're all continuing to deal with me having very little time with them; and the dog won't stop licking her butt.  Do you remember the remake of Cheaper By the Dozen that came out a few years ago and the utter insanity of that house with people running all over, animals going everywhere, laundry piled high, dishes needing to be done, massive amounts of food to feed growing children, yet 2 people in the middle who deeply love each other but get lost in the madness?  That's us.  I'm losing my family, I'm losing my mind.  (Now if only I could lose this gut....)

The good news is: my husband and I will be okay, we'll figure it out, and with any luck our children will come away from this experience as stronger people.  There are no book, no articles, there's nothing available to us to show us how to work it all out, but we'll get it eventually.  Probably when the last kid finally gets the heck outta dodge, but we'll get it.  In the meantime, we'll hope and pray that love, time, and lotsa tickling and hugs will help fill the gaps that the craziness creates.  One day we'll look back at this and wish we had it back.  Of course, by then our kids will be having kids and we'll beg them to quit asking us to babysit, but still....we'll miss our millions of kids running around fighting over tv shows or video games and squabbling about whether or not someone sneezed on them purposefully or accidentally.

Speaking of craziness...the wind has been insane all day, we're in a tornado watch, and it suddenly got very still outside.  Perhaps it's time to start activating the butterflies in the stomach.

Until the next time Liz bugs me to update this....farewell.