Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Forgot my password

Lame.  Yet oh so true. 

Honestly...this is why I haven't written.  Now that I remember to write, I fail to do what it takes to get the password so I can log in and do so.  But I 'membered!  It's all good now.  Guess it's time for me to start forgetting to write again, now that I have the password. 

I know I sound like a broken record, but this is my own form of therapy so there.  And it's my blog, so I can say what I want.  (As a side note, I'm watching the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump.  This may seriously altar the depressed nature of this blog.  Awesome!)

Our family has started attending therapy.  I wrestle with my own lack of maternal love for the children of my husband.  As a mother, I can't imagine (how does Snoop actually talk like that all the time? doesn't that get old?!) what it would be like for my husband to dislike my kids.  Maybe he does he just hides it better.  The chasm between myself and his youngest two seems to grow.  I've begun recoiling just at the sound of their voices and their presence in the room...what a horrible reaction to have towards a child!!!  It's unforgivable.  I don't need anyone else to beat me up about how I feel about things....between myself and another, I've heard and felt it all.  All kids need love.  All kids need parents who pour themselves into them and raise them to be responsible, hard working, dependable, emotionally secure individuals capable of feeling and expressing affection and love.  I just wonder if I can.  I hear of people who adopt, foster, take others into their homes and feel the connection that I only wish I had.  Which causes more distress, self-hatred, confusion, anger than previously experienced. 

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to build love for them.  I hate the distance it puts between my husband and I.  We are blessed that we don't really have issues otherwise.  We don't fight about money.  We don't fight about what one of us wants to do but the other doesn't.  ("The Situation" is totally bombing, he's not funny.  At all.  Surprise surprise.  I think I've lost brain cells!  I'm enjoying people's reactions to his stupidity.)  Things are different.  The stress is taking its toll.  I can't keep doing this.  I hope the counselor is able to help answer these questions or else I'll lose my kids.  It's already starting.  The rift in our home is widening.  My heart is breaking.  My kids' hearts are breaking...which is so much worse.  I'm sure he and his kids are feeling the strain as well.  How could they not?! 

I hate that I'm not the fun mom I used to be.  The spontaneous, witty, and energetic wife I used to be.  I feel like a part of my soul has been taken away and I don't know how to get it back. I want to.  I want my kids and his kids to have happy childhoods and a good relationship with my husband and I.  I want us to be one cohesive unit, to be a family that laughs and plays together, where I can trust all the kids equally.  I want my husband and I to be on the same page, but I don't think we are.  I don't want to lose my kids to the chaos, but it feels like I am.  I miss my kids.  They may live here, but I miss them.  I don't really have them it feels like.  I'm so busy between working 40 hours, going to school full time, raising 6 kids, dealing with the issues and drama my step-children have brought to our home....I don't have the time, the energy, or the mental abilities to deal with it all.  I hate that. 

I just don't even know where to go from here.  I hate that I feel the way I do.  I want it to be better.  I want my family to be whole and happy.  It just feels so hopeless. 

1 comment:

  1. I love you.
    I love that you're honest & recognize how you're feeling and all the reasons why it may be wrong or something for people to fuss about. But you're still honest about it. I think that, all in itself, is worthy of praise! And I think the therapist WILL be able to help! I bet she (he?) will be able to give you some real concrete steps & things to do to make things better.

    Praying for you!!