Thursday, May 5, 2011

I love Cadbury Cream Eggs

That has absolutely nothing to do with this post other than I really enjoy their excessively sugary goodness.

It's been a while since I last wrote to my fan base of one but I figured it was time to update.  Since my last whine session and pity party I have went to the doctor and was put on Celexa, an antidepressant that works wonders.  I love this chemical altering drug.  I no longer feel like ripping off the heads of every child that looks at me crossly (and in this house, there are plenty!).  I'm coping with the challenges better and it's creating a more peaceful home life and that is exactly what I need and what the kids desperately needed.  When momma's a witch, the whole family is messed up.

There are still definitely issues to be resolved that I have no idea how to take care of.  To top off the family drama, we found out that the absolutely necessary repairs that need to be done on our van are way more expensive than the vehicle itself is worth.  Of course, this comes within a week of them beginning layoffs at work.  At this point, we're just hoping to be able to get away alone this summer still!  The wonderful thing about antidepressants is that this would have sent me into a spiraling doom and gloom mindset where all I do is worry and fret and freak out. Not that I'm not worried.  I'm facing layoffs while potentially taking on another car payment we already can't afford.  But least it's not affecting me to the point that I'm losing my cool with the husband and kids due to my own stress level.  Did I mention I love this drug?

School ends for the summer next week.  I am ready for a break.  I am ready for no more late night homework and cramming study sessions.  It will be nice to come home and just be home.  To have weekends that aren't filled with papers and tests.  Graduation is in December and it can't come soon enough.  There will be an 8 month break.  I don't even know what that feels like anymore!!!!  Just having Christmas break is weird, let alone several months! 

We will be kid free next weekend.  I am going to take my husband out on a date and woo him.  We haven't went out for a couple months.  I realize some couples don't go out at all.  Some couples don't have the stress that our home has so it's okay.  I'm not trying to compete with other couples anyway.  I want time with my husband and I'm happy and thankful we're able to do it every once in a while!

Well, there's my life in a snapshot.  Now....where are those cream eggs.....

Monday, April 18, 2011 bed.

Well, unfortunately, I don't have a fortune cookie to go with that. It's just fun saying it.
As always, I suck at writing. This is meant to be my therapy and yet I'm not good at attending. Certainly hope I can improve this aspect of myself....among others.
Since it's been quite some time since I've written stuff that no one else reads, I'll recap: nothing's changes. Darling step daughter is actually heading in the wrong direction entirely. I know the stress is affecting everyone. I know I'm not dealing well which is further adding to the tension in the home. So to help me cope so I can help the kids cope....I have an appointment with a Dr to be evaluated and hopefully put on an antidepressant. I know it's no miracle cure, there is no fix...but waking up defeated, depressed, fighting tears, and hopeless every day is doing little to encourage and foster an atmosphere of love or allowing me to think clearly about how to handle the issues we face. Admitting you have a problem is the first step....and I definitely do have a problem.
I've realized just how negative I've been lately and will play Pollyanna's Glad Game to change the monotony and turn the focus from the bad stuff to the blessings in life. I am glad that:
* Spring is here. Winter is so depressing. Spring is rejuvenating and happy and I love it!!!
* My children truly are the best things that ever happened to me. I love them more than words could ever express and I'm so proud of them for being such crazy and wonderful individuals! I hope to again be the mother they once knew me to be and can show less frustration and more lightheartedness and fun like they deserve and desperately need.i
* I have a wonderful family and in-laws and feel very blessed to have them in my life.
* Even though I complain about my job and even though I do honestly, strongly dislike it...there are millions who would give their left nut (or ovary?) for a job. I'm thankful I'm not one of them.
* My husband, despite our differences and the stress we're under, is a great person and a genuinely nice guy. Our marriage has been battered, but I do love him very much.
* I am truly blessed to have amazing friends who I can always count on no matter what.
* We're alive, healthy, and going strong. There are many mothers with empty arms and parents crying at the side of their child's hospital bed. We are not those parents. How we are this blessed, I'll never know but will never stop being thankful.
I don't know how to fix my family, I just hope that I can get regulated, start thinking more clearly, and that with time everyone will forgive me for being such a raging b****.
Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Forgot my password

Lame.  Yet oh so true. 

Honestly...this is why I haven't written.  Now that I remember to write, I fail to do what it takes to get the password so I can log in and do so.  But I 'membered!  It's all good now.  Guess it's time for me to start forgetting to write again, now that I have the password. 

I know I sound like a broken record, but this is my own form of therapy so there.  And it's my blog, so I can say what I want.  (As a side note, I'm watching the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump.  This may seriously altar the depressed nature of this blog.  Awesome!)

Our family has started attending therapy.  I wrestle with my own lack of maternal love for the children of my husband.  As a mother, I can't imagine (how does Snoop actually talk like that all the time? doesn't that get old?!) what it would be like for my husband to dislike my kids.  Maybe he does he just hides it better.  The chasm between myself and his youngest two seems to grow.  I've begun recoiling just at the sound of their voices and their presence in the room...what a horrible reaction to have towards a child!!!  It's unforgivable.  I don't need anyone else to beat me up about how I feel about things....between myself and another, I've heard and felt it all.  All kids need love.  All kids need parents who pour themselves into them and raise them to be responsible, hard working, dependable, emotionally secure individuals capable of feeling and expressing affection and love.  I just wonder if I can.  I hear of people who adopt, foster, take others into their homes and feel the connection that I only wish I had.  Which causes more distress, self-hatred, confusion, anger than previously experienced. 

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to build love for them.  I hate the distance it puts between my husband and I.  We are blessed that we don't really have issues otherwise.  We don't fight about money.  We don't fight about what one of us wants to do but the other doesn't.  ("The Situation" is totally bombing, he's not funny.  At all.  Surprise surprise.  I think I've lost brain cells!  I'm enjoying people's reactions to his stupidity.)  Things are different.  The stress is taking its toll.  I can't keep doing this.  I hope the counselor is able to help answer these questions or else I'll lose my kids.  It's already starting.  The rift in our home is widening.  My heart is breaking.  My kids' hearts are breaking...which is so much worse.  I'm sure he and his kids are feeling the strain as well.  How could they not?! 

I hate that I'm not the fun mom I used to be.  The spontaneous, witty, and energetic wife I used to be.  I feel like a part of my soul has been taken away and I don't know how to get it back. I want to.  I want my kids and his kids to have happy childhoods and a good relationship with my husband and I.  I want us to be one cohesive unit, to be a family that laughs and plays together, where I can trust all the kids equally.  I want my husband and I to be on the same page, but I don't think we are.  I don't want to lose my kids to the chaos, but it feels like I am.  I miss my kids.  They may live here, but I miss them.  I don't really have them it feels like.  I'm so busy between working 40 hours, going to school full time, raising 6 kids, dealing with the issues and drama my step-children have brought to our home....I don't have the time, the energy, or the mental abilities to deal with it all.  I hate that. 

I just don't even know where to go from here.  I hate that I feel the way I do.  I want it to be better.  I want my family to be whole and happy.  It just feels so hopeless. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Oh my gosh!  Life has never been more chaotic and "interesting" than it has been over the last few weeks.  Christmas has come and gone since my last post and with it, a myriad of emotions and experiences...mostly negative.  I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer with every post, but this is my therapy and you have been warned.

On a side note, I have spread before me an assortment of crackers and dips.  Why?  Because the diet starts tomorrow.  I will be joining a Biggest Loser competition at work so my crackers will be gone.  You have no idea how deeply that upsets me.  I love my carbs.  So I am enjoying every single, delectable bite!  Yum! 

I need chocolate.

On a positive note, we have a new heater.  Of course, that means that the old one crashed.  That sucks.  Dude.  We also have a new(ish) compressor on the van.  Naturally, that means the old one died, too.  That was really fun trying to make it back to work with smoke billowing out around the passenger side front tire and high pitched squeals that quite possibly broke glass.  These events have made me realize one very important truth: I really suck.  I think we live rather frugally, it's just expensive raising 500 (give or take) children.  We weren't able to get the funding for the heater so we had to borrow from my mom, who had to borrow the money because she doesn't really have it, either, and we'll just make the payments.  This makes me feel so stupid and small and full of regret and has totally made me rethink everything.  I hate that we had to run to mommy for help, but in exchange for providing for so many kids, some things had to give and one was payments towards debts.  This is a humiliating thing to admit, but it's true.  We're going to have to find a way to squeeze blood from this turnip so that we are never in a position to have to ask for help again.  That....and so we can actually make it to Italy some time. 

Okay, so with my current mental and emotional state in mind as well as recent events, here are my resolutions in no particular order:

1) Stop being a douchetard with money.  I'm going to hand everything over to my husband because he's not the impulsive type like I am.  I hope this can help turn things around!

2) Stop being a larda$$.  We're going to join the gym, I'm going to stop eating crackers (3 of these Breton crackers are 70 calories! Holy crap!!) and spinach artichoke dip and instead snack on fruits and vegetables.  I'm not giving up beef jerky.  Suck on it, Jillian Michaels.

3) Spend more time on those who are my true friends and less on those who are fair weather friends.  The experience of having a family this large has helped weed out who are there no matter what and who aren't.  It has been an isolating, lonely, and sad experience, but it's a necessary one and I will use the knowledge I'm gaining to learn how to focus my energy better and how to let go of those that don't hold on to me in the same way.

4) I'm going to be a better mom.  I suck as a mom and especially as a step-mom sometimes and that's going to have to end.  There are things I have to learn to put on my big girl panties about and deal with it instead of letting it affect my attitude.  This is hard for me.  I'm sort of at a vendetta stage with some things and that's wrong. 

5) Start getting my present situation aligned with my future goals.  This is tricky because I'm pretty clueless about how to pull that one off, I have very little spare time.  I'm just hoping and praying to get enough experience and volunteer work in that people will be impressed with my application into grad school.  Keep your fingers crossed and your prayers rising because this could be the tough one.  I'm really nervous that I won't be able to get in.  I'm really nervous I won't get into the doctoral program I want...because it's a long way away and I won't uproot the kids.  This is a very hard thing for me to swallow right now so I need wisdom on what to do in the future.

Well, know what?  It's late.  I wanted to be in bed over an hour ago.  Of course.  That's how I roll.  Once again I've rattled off nonsense and gotten nowhere and probably bored any random reader to tears.  Let me end on a positive note:

I am so thankful for my husband.  Every day I fall deeper and deeper in love with him and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him.  It's been rough lately but he's always awesome! I love my babies!  Despite the stupid fights and tattle taling, I am head over heels in love with my kids and am so unworthy of being their mom but so happy that I am!  My dog is awesome and the cats are pretty cool, too...when Angus isn't attacking everyone.  My job appears more stable, even though it's not my favorite job by any means, it's income and that's what's important.  I do have the best mom, siblings, family, and close friends a person could ever ask for.  I got to watch Bette Midler's The Showgirls Must Go On show tonight.  I love her.

Have a good night all.  Much love and good things for 2011!