Musings

Oh my gosh!  Life has never been more chaotic and "interesting" than it has been over the last few weeks.  Christmas has come and gone since my last post and with it, a myriad of emotions and experiences...mostly negative.  I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer with every post, but this is my therapy and you have been warned.

On a side note, I have spread before me an assortment of crackers and dips.  Why?  Because the diet starts tomorrow.  I will be joining a Biggest Loser competition at work so my crackers will be gone.  You have no idea how deeply that upsets me.  I love my carbs.  So I am enjoying every single, delectable bite!  Yum! 

I need chocolate.

On a positive note, we have a new heater.  Of course, that means that the old one crashed.  That sucks.  Dude.  We also have a new(ish) compressor on the van.  Naturally, that means the old one died, too.  That was really fun trying to make it back to work with smoke billowing out around the passenger side front tire and high pitched squeals that quite possibly broke glass.  These events have made me realize one very important truth: I really suck.  I think we live rather frugally, it's just expensive raising 500 (give or take) children.  We weren't able to get the funding for the heater so we had to borrow from my mom, who had to borrow the money because she doesn't really have it, either, and we'll just make the payments.  This makes me feel so stupid and small and full of regret and has totally made me rethink everything.  I hate that we had to run to mommy for help, but in exchange for providing for so many kids, some things had to give and one was payments towards debts.  This is a humiliating thing to admit, but it's true.  We're going to have to find a way to squeeze blood from this turnip so that we are never in a position to have to ask for help again.  That....and so we can actually make it to Italy some time. 

Okay, so with my current mental and emotional state in mind as well as recent events, here are my resolutions in no particular order:

1) Stop being a douchetard with money.  I'm going to hand everything over to my husband because he's not the impulsive type like I am.  I hope this can help turn things around!

2) Stop being a larda$$.  We're going to join the gym, I'm going to stop eating crackers (3 of these Breton crackers are 70 calories! Holy crap!!) and spinach artichoke dip and instead snack on fruits and vegetables.  I'm not giving up beef jerky.  Suck on it, Jillian Michaels.

3) Spend more time on those who are my true friends and less on those who are fair weather friends.  The experience of having a family this large has helped weed out who are there no matter what and who aren't.  It has been an isolating, lonely, and sad experience, but it's a necessary one and I will use the knowledge I'm gaining to learn how to focus my energy better and how to let go of those that don't hold on to me in the same way.

4) I'm going to be a better mom.  I suck as a mom and especially as a step-mom sometimes and that's going to have to end.  There are things I have to learn to put on my big girl panties about and deal with it instead of letting it affect my attitude.  This is hard for me.  I'm sort of at a vendetta stage with some things and that's wrong. 

5) Start getting my present situation aligned with my future goals.  This is tricky because I'm pretty clueless about how to pull that one off, I have very little spare time.  I'm just hoping and praying to get enough experience and volunteer work in that people will be impressed with my application into grad school.  Keep your fingers crossed and your prayers rising because this could be the tough one.  I'm really nervous that I won't be able to get in.  I'm really nervous I won't get into the doctoral program I want...because it's a long way away and I won't uproot the kids.  This is a very hard thing for me to swallow right now so I need wisdom on what to do in the future.

Well, know what?  It's late.  I wanted to be in bed over an hour ago.  Of course.  That's how I roll.  Once again I've rattled off nonsense and gotten nowhere and probably bored any random reader to tears.  Let me end on a positive note:

I am so thankful for my husband.  Every day I fall deeper and deeper in love with him and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him.  It's been rough lately but he's always awesome! I love my babies!  Despite the stupid fights and tattle taling, I am head over heels in love with my kids and am so unworthy of being their mom but so happy that I am!  My dog is awesome and the cats are pretty cool, too...when Angus isn't attacking everyone.  My job appears more stable, even though it's not my favorite job by any means, it's income and that's what's important.  I do have the best mom, siblings, family, and close friends a person could ever ask for.  I got to watch Bette Midler's The Showgirls Must Go On show tonight.  I love her.

Have a good night all.  Much love and good things for 2011!